Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
