the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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