Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
