shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
My nipple is on Facebook.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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