i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
