i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
