Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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