so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
