i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
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And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
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It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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