you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
