I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
