Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
