you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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