If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
