rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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