i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I'm passing your future prison.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
