I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
