I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
you traded sex for a burrito?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Randomize
