the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
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