I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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