at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
