She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
