Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
