i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
