Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
