Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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