hotel room ftw
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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