Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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