i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
