I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
