Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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