Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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