I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
