If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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