why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Randomize
