wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
