I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
