8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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