This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
