I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
