; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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