3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
