remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
