I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
