My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
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