Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
