I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
