I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
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