but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
