How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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