I can't watch pbs sober anymore
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
