I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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