She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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