All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
