Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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