Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
