I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
