How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
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