Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
